deja vu
by infinite vertigo
Summary: if to save the love of your life from imminent death you had to go back in time and make them hate you, would you do it?


_**chapter one**__: faucets and vacuums._

"Shizu-chan, didn't I tell you to vacuum?"

"It broke."

"...Did you pick up your socks before doing so?"

"..."

Izaya could see the way Shizuo tensed up as he sat on the couch. His long arms were stretched out over worn-in cushions, a wrist hanging with a remote grasped lightly. Legs bridged from his seat to the coffee table and ankles crossed over each other, a pile of magazines to the left and sunflower seeds to the right. An ashtray rested a bit away and Izaya moved so the glare of the sun wasn't blinding him, looking slightly amused as he stepped forward to muss Shizuo's hair. "It's fine. We'll buy another one."

Twenty-five-year old Orihara Izaya resided in an apartment with twenty-six-year old Heiwajima Shizuo that they compromised on. Izaya chose the building, so Shizuo chose the floor. Izaya chose the furniture, so Shizuo chose the positioning. Izaya chose the color scheme, so Shizuo got to decide they didn't need any paintings (which suited Izaya's minimalistic tastes well.) Izaya got to build his own library in one of the rooms, so Shizuo got to fill the refrigerator with milk. Izaya did the cooking and cleaning, so Shizuo did the repairs.

Despite his work as a bartender, Shizuo didn't keep a fully supplied bar in the cabinets of their kitchen. He'd bring home the odd bottle every now and then and Izaya favored the whiskey, but drank only on rare occasions, preferring the beer while Shizuo stayed loyal to a glass of milk. The times he switched to strawberry and banana, Izaya would murmur 'Shizu-chan's going wild tonight' and the man being teased would just glare and sip furiously.

"Do we have onions?" Izaya asked as he took a look at the table and frowned at the cigarette butts. He heard 'who knows' and sighed, picking up a garbage can and walking over. The slender male dropped to his knees and used a tissue to wipe the table clean and organize the magazines, setting them beneath the glass surface and tapped Shizuo's feet lightly. "Feet don't go on furniture, Shizu-chan."

"But I'm wearing socks."

"That doesn't mean your feet don't smell." Izaya glanced up and smirked to see Shizuo frowning again. "We're going to go grocery shopping tomorrow. You have a doctor's appointment too. Daily check up."

Shizuo's head shot up immediately and Izaya raised an eyebrow. "What?! I'm not goin' to the doctor! I feel fine!"

"Yes. That's why it's a check up. To ensure you continue to feel fine."

"I'll go when I feel sick!"

"Shizu-chan, have you ever heard of the phrase 'taking precautions'?"

"Of course I have! I'm not doin' it! I'll do them when I need to!"

"…That goes against the entire idea of taking precautions."

Leaving him to scowl at the television, Izaya stood to place the garbage can back in a corner between the kitchen counter and wall. He began to go through the cabinets to see what dry ingredients they had and the refrigerator for any produce, trying to decide on dinner and avoid take out or pizza. Fingers brushed over a pack of instant ramen and he hesitated for a moment, smiling slightly.

_Ramen had been the first meal we had together._

**ten years ago.**

_ "Shizu-chan, do you like ramen?"_

_ "…Why do you keep calling me that?"_

_ Mouth opening, Izaya closed it again, taking a moment to collect himself before shrugging. The two walked into a rather upscale place and Izaya gave his name to the hostess, telling them it would be a few minutes for a table to clear up. He nodded and shifted a bit to fix the black backpack slung over one shoulder and turned to tell Shizuo._

_ He didn't seem to hear; the boy was looking around with a frown that piqued Izaya's interest and he tilted his head, watching him curiously for a bit. Most high school students, usually girls, that he brought to this restaurant looked awed and impressed and 'of course' was his answer to 'you can really afford it here?' But Shizuo's expression showed a scowl, like he was annoyed, how dare Izaya bring him to a classy restaurant._

_ But he kept that sarcasm quiet. "Is there a problem?"_

_ "Why the hell are we here? Didn't you just say we were going to get ramen?" Shizuo asked and his scowl deepened, ignoring the raised eyebrows from the other waiting guests. Caught off guard, Izaya showed it only with a slight pause that Shizuo cut short when he picked up a menu, glanced at it and began shaking it angrily. "Oi! This place charges way too much for a bowl of ramen! I'm not forkin' over two weeks' worth of lunch money for this!"_

_ Izaya blinked rapidly, a bit at loss as he watched Shizuo walk back out. He followed after him, steps hurried to catch up with the other's long strides. The glass door was slow to close behind him and autumn's cool air enveloped him rather quickly. "Shizu-chan," he said as he neared him, "I was going to pay. I asked you to a snack after school so—"_

_ "Why are you wasting your money on overpriced shit like that?" Shizuo snapped, continuing to walk briskly and blond brow furrowed. "I'm starving, so let's go to some other place. I know one. It's good."_

_ "Shizu-chan, I promise, the ramen there is good. My parents always bring me—"_

_ "Well, be more open-minded, you spoiled little brat!"_

_ Speechless again, Izaya stilled. But he regained his composure and followed Shizuo in silence. Their relationship was fragile; he had finally gotten Shizuo to agree to give him a chance to be decent (sending gangs after him didn't leave a favorable impression) and always good at reading people, Izaya knew that pushing the blond could break the single thread that Shizuo was willing to be linked to him by at the moment._

_They soon left the Ginza area that Izaya was familiar with and Shizuo led them down smaller roads until they were in a place that Izaya rarely went. Eyes looked around and he kept quiet, but he did walk a bit closer to him, to which Shizuo either didn't notice or chose to keep quiet about._

_ He wouldn't classify himself and his family as the top of the tier when it came to social rank, but the Oriharas were comfortable, if not well off. Izaya was already well traveled by the time he entered middle school, had nannies make him lunches so his little nose never had to turn up at school cafeteria. His parents were absent often and tried to shower him, and eventually his sisters, with presents around birthdays and Christmas. Izaya hardly gave a passing glance to the latest model microscopes and autographed books his parents sent. His first few Christmases where he understood that it was typically a family holiday had his little bottom lip wobbling as he tried to not cry. But Izaya got used to it, and by the time his sisters were born, he had perfected his emotionless mask, assuring his parents that it was fine and he liked the chocolates (despite never eating them.) The money was never flaunted, but it did lead him to enjoy only the finer things that were presented to him._

_ Before he could help it, his lips curled downwards at the bumpy sidewalk. The small shops and restaurants had signs that weren't nearly as minimalist and clean as he was used to seeing. He wasn't aware that hair salons still had the spinning barber's pole and he wondered why glass doors were propped open—was there no air conditioning? Flies buzzed around the fresh produce and Izaya wondered why they were just out in the open like that—wouldn't they spoil faster? He saw toys and little turtles in other tiny shops, little dark and dingy places, no bright lighting and well dressed girls to smile and welcome them._

_ Izaya kept his mouth shut as Shizuo mumbled 'here' and stepped in, hand raising to move aside the panels of fabric, Izaya following. Warm, he thought immediately. It was warm and he could smell the ramen, which did smell delicious. The seat felt sticky when he sat down, a single bar in a very narrow restaurant, and he saw a door with a rusty knob at the back for the bathroom. The chefs were close but the kitchen didn't look as clean as he would've liked and he wished he'd brought hand sanitizer when he picked up the equally sticky menu, subconsciously resting his arms on napkins instead of directly on the counter._

_ "Tonkotsu's pretty good. Broth's rich," Shizuo said. Looking over, his eyes narrowed and an elbow hit Izaya's arm, mumbling 'don't be an ass.'_

_ Izaya frowned but hesitantly moved the napkins, gingerly resting his forearms against the counter. He eventually decided on one with a soy sauce base, asking for an extra egg. Shizuo ordered one with a tonkotsu broth and had a whole bunch of toppings, the bowl piled high when the chef himself presented the bowls to them._

_ The proximity let him watch the entire cooking process, which Izaya found nice. He sat a bit straighter, paying the chef his entire and Shizuo watched, looking slightly amused. Their bowls were ready soon and he turned, setting them on top of the counter and both students took them, head bowing and words of gratitude murmured. Izaya's mouth was watering as he looked at his bowl, hardly hearing Shizuo's words as he broke his chopsticks apart, taking his first bite. _

_ "I know it's not your fancy place, but it's good here."_

_ The aroma was enticing and Izaya was almost willing to burn his tongue for the second bite, not wanting to wait to cool the strands a bit. He ate ravenously, lifting the bowl to drink the broth and even asked for another bowl after, feeling Shizuo smirk a bit beside him. He used a spoon to try a bit of Shizuo's broth, saying that it was rich, and managed to finish his second serving. He couldn't remember the last time he had ramen that delicious, almost like his grandmother had made it (maybe even better) and stared at the bill, turning to Shizuo. "…Is this right?"_

_ Shizuo stared at him and put down a few bills and Izaya followed suit a bit hesitantly. "Yeah."_

_ "…I had two and it's less than half of—"_

_ "I know. See why that place is overpriced bullshit?"_

_ As they stood to leave, Shizuo waited outside while Izaya asked for a business card. Hands were in his pockets and a small half smile replaced the smirk on Shizuo's lips once they began to start walking to catch a bus back home. The sun was setting but the apprehension Izaya had felt earlier was gone and he even asked Shizuo to stop a few times so he could look at the small shops, buying a few pieces of fruit._

_ "I mean, it's nothing like your… fancy… expensive as hell places. But it's like home. Expensive doesn't always mean the best." Shizuo began to find the silence they were walking in a bit unnerving and began talking, a hand waving and cheeks starting to turn red, as they always did when he was grasping at straws as to what to say._

_ Nodding, Izaya looked into the bag and took out a peach to eat but Shizuo put a hand on it and frowned, mumbling 'oi, you still should wash it first.' _

_ And that was the first time Izaya had genuinely laughed around him and Shizuo was surprised, staring for a bit. The other didn't seem to notice and kept walking, but Shizuo called out his name to stop him and Izaya turned around`. "…Shizu-chan?"_

_ Shizuo held his hand out, fingers outstretched and palm facing up._

_ "Let's hold hands."_

_ Izaya blinked, carmine eyes catching the setting sun but he gave a faint smile and laced their fingers together._

_ "Shizu-chan's sappy." _

_ "Shut up, stupid pest…"_

**present**.

"I fixed the water faucet."

Eyes tearing away from the instant ramen, he closed the cabinet door. "Ah?"

"The water faucet," Shizuo repeated and raised a hand, waving it around. "That thing that you turn on for water. I fixed it."

He echoed 'ah' again and smiled gently with a nod. "Good."

Walking over, arms draped around his neck from the back and Izaya's lips pressed to his temple. Shizuo seemed to be watching some nature program and he murmured 'I need to stop by Shinra's' and pulled back after watching with him for a few moments. He reached a hand out to tousle his hair again before grabbing his keys, calling out 'I'll buy dinner' and closed the door, hearing a gruff 'come home safe.'

He was smiling until he was out of the apartment complex, expression back to neutral, eyes bright as they glanced around from time to time, looking at the people walking by and with him. _'Come back safe.' _Shizuo said it every time, even if he stepped out for the mail. He even said it once when napping on the couch, mumbling the words in a sleepy slur and Izaya was so amused he waited for him to wake up to tell him before going out to run his errands.

It was cute. It reminded Izaya that Shizuo was his home. His childhood was composed of absent parents and professional nannies, a bit distant due to the formalities. He grew up a quiet and high achieving child and he wondered that if he had a twin, if he'd be like how Mairu and Kururi were. A little boy wasn't meant to take care of his sisters, but he did as much as he could; he could at least give them something of a family, his innocent mind thought, but it turned out they liked each other more than they liked him.

Middle school was Shinra. Middle school was a biology club, a drug ring, a stabbing. Middle school started his bad reputation and somehow, by some twist of fate, meeting Heiwajima Shizuo didn't flip it, but neutralized it. Shizuo didn't want to be his friend, especially not after Shinra's less-than-promising introduction. But Shizuo was interesting and Izaya persisted, even being on his best behavior. Shizuo wasn't Shinra. Shinra was cold, ambivalent, sort of like Izaya in the way he could push and pull, pulling when he needed to.

But Shizuo was constant warmth and the more Izaya realized that, the more he worked to solidify their friendship.

_Come back safe._

He'd never had someone that would remotely care if he was safe or not, but Shizuo cared every time he stepped out. He (tried) to remember birthdays and anniversaries, making small celebrations, occasionally did a textbook-cliché romantic gesture. It took him a while to figure out Izaya's tastes, but once he did, he knew to not make strawberry shortcake, opt for dark chocolate instead. He tried to learn how to make sushi but ended up buying it more often than not, kept the shelves stocked with coffee. He kept Izaya's things where they were and didn't suddenly change their toothpaste or shampoo without warning, reminding him to eat food and not just coffee when his work got busy.

_Come back safe._

Shizuo cared about his wellbeing in a way that made Izaya uncomfortable at first. Once their friendship solidified, he almost pulled away again at how warm he was, how good a friend he was. And then when they started dating, they almost broke up because Shizuo was hot and Izaya was cold, Shizuo was trusting and Izaya had boundaries and walls, an entire castle and moat with a bridge Shizuo had to build and cross himself.

Zipping up his fur trim coat, Izaya's hands rested in his pockets. One hand curled around his phone and the other around a flick blade he carried for protection. His job as a teaching assistant was one he barely managed to get. Despite more than qualifying grades, his record of skipping class and being a bit clever with professors didn't earn him any favorable recommendations. But despite that, every professor in the psychology admitted that Orihara Izaya could, in terms of knowledge and charisma, be an excellent teaching assistant.

His personality, though, was an issue, but they took a chance. And the students that were serious about their courses gave him excellent reviews, saying he knew what he was talking about, that he _seemed_ approachable, that he could answer any questions. But almost every single review added that in terms of one-on-one conversations, Orihara Izaya could be a bit scary, like he was analyze each and every one of his students.

The students also noticed that Izaya was much nicer, though still distant, when his boyfriend was around, but no one put that on the reviews.

Shinra's apartment was a subway ride away. Izaya blended in with the crowd of people going into the station, taking out a card and swiping it, waiting at the platform and slipping onto the train once it arrived. His hood was pulled up and he looked around, pretending to be inspecting the map of routes, but eyes darted from face to face.

A crying woman—break up?

A man rubbing his temple—job troubles?

A teenager listening to music—how boring.

Humans were endlessly fascinating, the human mind a complex enigma that he felt most people weren't capable of entirely embracing. Izaya had watched them since middle school and Shizuo muttered that it seemed to border on stalking a couple of times, but the raven brushed it off, murmuring that it was nothing to be concerned with.

The rigidity of school wasn't particularly exciting, but Izaya did well enough in high school to be accepted to Tokyo University and then did the bare minimum to stay in. He realized the resources and pros that university could offer outweighed the cons of having to attend. And with him, he ended up not having to attend very much; he resided off campus in an apartment with Shizuo for undergraduate years, showing up for only exam days and to hand in papers. Graduate school and beginning the early stages of his doctoral along with the teaching assistant position meant actually having to step foot on campus regularly, but Izaya was more or less fine with that. After all, classes of students meant people to observe and young adults had some of the most volatile mentalities.

Subway slowing to a stop, Izaya was among the last of the crowd to depart. As soon as the soles of his shoes met the platform, he matched the pace of the busy commuters around him, following a path he'd memorized to the apartment of his supposed best friend.

The chill nipped at his cheeks again; early February was still cold and Izaya smiled briefly when he saw the bakery he bought Shizuo's cake at just a week earlier. Next to it was the small shop Shizuo bought them matching sushi phone charms and then the arcade he and Shinra used to meet up at. Kishitani Shinra was twenty-five years old and in med school, bordering on dropping out and being an underground doctor. Izaya was all for it. Shizuo wasn't.

His knuckles rapped on Shinra's door soon, nodding to see a woman with a yellow cat-eyed helmet and in lilac pajamas. "Celty."

She held up her phone.

_Izaya._

Stepping aside, he could feel her eyes regard him a bit warily, looking over his shoulder to give her a smirk. "Ahh, Celty, relax. I'm not looking to give you another virus. The last one wasn't even meant for you… it was for Shinra. He just decided to forward the email to you. I didn't tell him to."

_I don't want you sending him viruses._

"And I don't want him to keep wanting to examine Shizu-chan, but the world's a cruel place, isn't it?"

_Only with you in it._

"Celty… you're so mean to me!"

"Izaya, don't be mean to my angel!"

Shinra's voice interjected with a fake whine, coming around the corner from a hallway. Izaya guessed he'd just woken up from a nap; his hair was still messy and Shinra was adjusting his glasses. His nose turned up at Izaya, who gave a practiced and airy smile, as he headed into the kitchen to pour himself a glass of water. "What is it?"

"Just wondering if you have any jobs," he said, sauntering over and sitting at a bar as Celty went back into her room after taking the helmet off. His eyes glanced around the room and leaned forward. His palm cradled his chin with the elbow to the granite surface, gaze finally turning to Shinra again. "I'm bored."

"Of living a good and honest life with Shizuo?" Shinra asked and smiled at him. "You're such a fake. It's disgusting."

"I'm not being fake."

"So why do you come over, asking for illegal hacking jobs behind his back?"

Izaya kept his mouth shut for a moment, one corner of his lips curled in a smirk. "Mm… maybe it's the same reason why you haven't told Celty about her head."

He could see Shinra still for a moment, staring at him before he turned away again. Glasses were pushed further up the bridge of his nose and Izaya spun around in his chair to look over the living room as he heard Shinra's mumbles. "I've got a few. I'll give you the files before you leave."

Picking up the remote, Izaya flipped through the channels until he found a program on aliens, giving a faint smirk before leaving it on. Shinra had begun cooking, making something that he made sure to let Izaya know wasn't for him, to which he raised a hand and waved it off. Feet met the ground as he stood and walked back over to the couch.

He'd gotten a new one, Izaya realized after touching the fabric. Made sense. Shizuo and Izaya ruined their fair share of couches at Shinra's apartment; Izaya had a few people wanting him hurt from middle school onwards and Shizuo always had cuts and bruises. Izaya had sent a few gangs, mainly from before they knew each other, because he was curious about the kid with the inhumane strength.

Shinra's couch was witness to several bloodstains and angry yells. Izaya could remember the first time he'd seen Shizuo's temper up close; he'd gotten past sending him gangs to rough him up and Shinra had already introduced them, but it was before they could be anything close to friends. It had been after school one day; they'd gotten results back from midterms and Shizuo was the first out. By the time Izaya had left, he heard yells and a screeching of metal being dragged against cement, clouds of dust swirling in the air.

**ten years ago**.

_ "You goddamn fuckers!"_

_ Izaya took a quick step back behind the wall and peered around, seeing Shizuo's knuckles bruised, obvious dents in the brick wall composing the alley. A few kids that Izaya knew were bad news surrounded him, each holding an iron pipe. But their hands were white and shaking, bodies trembling as they watched Shizuo hold a dented stop sign before giving another roar._

_ The octagon swept against the ground, creating fiery sparks and a high-pitched screech that had Izaya wincing a bit. He heard a few yells and screams and the sound of bricks crumbling. It was a miracle the police weren't here or teachers weren't hearing this commotion. But Heiwajima Shizuo's fights were infamous and people tended to avoid him when angry at all costs—everyone except the idiots that pissed him off. Coughing a bit at another dust cloud, Izaya look around again. His eyes remained impassive as he surveyed the boys sprawled on the ground, but stilled when he saw Shizuo._

_ His face was contorted with anger, breathing heavily and Izaya could see his chest rising and falling. His uniform was torn and scratched in a few places, blood beading at a cut on his cheek and dripping down his cheek. When Izaya's eyes met Shizuo's, his breath to see the pure and unaltered fury glassing over them. His eyes were hard and Izaya realized he'd never been this close to Shizuo when he was this angry; he had always watched from a bit away, making sure he wasn't seen, and when Shinra introduced them, he looked more tired and annoyed than genuinely angry._

_ Maybe it was exam stress coupled with idiots messing with him. But Shizuo's eyes were terrifying and even Izaya stilled for a moment, thinking 'there's no way he's human.'_

_ Shaking his head, he took a deep breath while fingers grasped the textured brick wall. Looking up with composure, he strode confidently, stepping over bodies still whining in pain. The trembles wracking his body moments before had stilled and Shizuo's eyes didn't seem to see him; they were staring straight through him, even as Izaya locked eyes with the boy._

_ Three more long, confident strides and Izaya ducked and navigating through his arms and the metal pole and was close enough to touch him. He reached his arms out and wrapped them around Shizuo's body firmly, face burying in his shoulder and grasping the back of his shirt tightly. "Shizu-chan…"_

_ He could feel Shizuo hesitate for a moment and grasped tighter, closing his eyes. A gruff 'let go' sounded and he could feel trembling arms try to push him away but he was weak for some reason and Izaya stepped even closer until their bodies were flushed together. "…I… zaya. Let go… I'm going to hurt you…"_

_ "No."_

_ Swallowing again, Izaya adjusted his grip a bit. Shizuo's movements were slightly awkward and stilted and so were Izaya's. His tall frame began stumbling backwards and Shizuo fell backwards; the sign he held clattered to the ground and the steel fence shook with the addition of his weight. Izaya fell to his knees as Shizuo ended up sitting, palms upwards._

_ Gravel stuck to the black fabric of his pants and Izaya murmured 'Shizu-chan's really hurt, right?' and pulled back to look at him. Lips were parted with shallow breaths with messy blond bangs hiding his eyes, and Izaya ran slender hands over his chest lightly, frowning as he checked for broken bones. Fingers touched against the outside of his arm, tracing down to his palms and he took them softly, lifting them to check the bruises and blood._

_ "…Shizu-chan, let's get you to Shinra's. Can you walk?"_

_ "…Why?"_

_ Shizuo's voice was hoarse and he had to swallow before trying to speak again. Izaya's expression remained impassive; he wasn't cruel but he wasn't kind, keeping a balance of any emotions. He watched as Shizuo licked his lips, the blood from a crack disappearing. "Why?" he repeated. "Why… why aren't…"_

_ Izaya waited patiently._

_ "Why…" he tried again, swallowing as his head stayed bowed. "Why… aren't… you scared?"_

_ "Scared?" he echoed and Shizuo looked up at how quiet his voice was._

_ Izaya gave a faint smile, eyes softening for a moment._

_ "Shizu-chan, I'm not afraid of you."_

**present**.

Shizuo was a romantic. He told Izaya that the moment he fell in love was when Izaya said he wasn't afraid of him. He said he could remember that Izaya said it in a soft, quiet tone with a gentle look and Shinra would cackle with laughter as Izaya would scowl, eyes closing as he snapped at him to shut up.

His gaze lingered on where a bloodstain had once been, looking up only when Shinra poked at his back with a few folders. "You're welcome," Izaya murmured with a smirk as he flipped through four or five files, nodding and raising an eyebrow. "Aah… not bad. More than just hacking social media of an ex… looks like you've got actual _clients."_

"Hey, hey!" Shinra defended. "How do I advertise this? 'Hi, I have a friend that can hack up to and including the government, have anything you want to know'?"

"Shinra, you need to work on your advertising skills."

Waving the folders to quiet him, Izaya called, "I'll be back with these" and was out the door before Celty would come out and have to get upset at seeing him again. Shinra loved her and she loved him back and as a bad friend to begin with, Izaya almost didn't mind when he was even less present in his life when things began to get serious with Celty.

He had Shizuo.

Orihara Izaya wouldn't say that Shizuo was all he needed. Clearly, he needed other things too, like food and shelter. Shizuo wasn't the only person that made him happy, he wasn't the only person that he loved—Orihara Izaya loved all people. Orihara Izaya could survive if Heiwajima Shizuo wasn't with him, but survival and living were two different concepts.

He couldn't imagine his life if Shizuo hated him.

_**notes**__. please ignore the chapter title. i've always been terrible at titling. thank you for reading!_


End file.
